Words I’m pretty sure I will never hear anyone say, “Have you seen the hilarious safety video on Delta?” Reply I’m pretty sure I will never hear, “I was crying I was laughing so much, but it’s not as funny as the United one – that one made me wet the seat just a little, and I was on an 8 hour flight which is loooong when your underwear is just a bit damp”.
Okay I might have exaggerated the reply a bit to definitely make it something no one will ever say, but you get the point. No matter how hard anyone tries plane safety videos will not be funny. And man, are they trying to be funny. Somewhere out there a bunch of writers are being tasked with upping the stakes of airplane safety videos, and my heartaches for them. My hand also makes a punching fist because I have a punch in the face for them.
If you’ve been on Delta, United or American lately you’ll have seen the latest trend of “buried laughs” in the safety video. Rabbits that appear when they are showing where the life vests are, ventriloquists who put the oxygen masks on their puppets after first placing them on their own nose and mouth, and people dressed as ants, priests and magicians who look like Abe Lincoln for reasons I don’t exactly remember – all attempts to make us listen to the safety videos more and chuckle, chortle – or in the case of Virgin America who has done theirs in song – tap your feet, presumably to distract you from the actual thoughts of death should the tin bird nose dive.
I hate to be the party pooper but can’t we just have it super practical, informative – you know – life saving for when the planes starts plummeting from 50, 000 feet, and be done? I’m pretty certain that there’s no statistical data proving that more people escaped a downed plane because as it was going down they remembered that ventriloquist and put the oxygen masks just right. No, to poop the party more, I’d say most planes that go down just go down. No people or puppets make it.
I’d really prefer if that plane does go down for the last thing on my mind not to be Virgin America safety video song that sticks in the creases of your brain like rot in the grouting of your bathroom tiles. I have not lived this long, or learned this much, or collected this many memories to have that happen dammit! My life flashing before my eyes with that song as the sound track. Tragic.
No, I want to die thinking I was well briefed on the safety of this plane but when it’s your time to go, it’s your time to go. And I want to be thinking about the terrible writers who once wrote shitty airplane safety scripts that were meant to be funny and feel forgiveness. Alternatively I want to have just enough time to hope they are going down in this ball of flames with me. Thank you for your attention and enjoy all your flights.
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