Is it just me or is everything that’s supposed to be good for your teeth impossible to open unless you use your teeth? And here begins my dentist conspiracy theory.
Take toothbrush packaging. You know, its in that hermetically sealed plastic so the hobos who live in your neighborhood can’t come into the toiletries aisle and brush their teeth and then sneak the brush back into the packaging and onto the shelf with their meth breathe stuck in the bristles. I get that. Meth breath is dangerous probably. I also get that there are things called scissors but I’ll be damned if I can EVER find them so every time I buy a new toothbrush the process goes something like this. I begin at the top thinking the plastic will peel away from the card backing. But there’s actually no obvious way “in”. They don’t mark it, thats how much they don’t care if you ever actually use this toothbrush even if you’re not a hobo. (Conspiracy theory is building…) That’s phase one.
Phase two is recognizing that the weak point is somewhere at the back in the cardboard area, but that too is triple layered and as impenetrable as Dwayne Johnson’s abs. It’s during this phase that I start ripping, and clawing with my short nails. My face also gets bunched up like I’m lifting one of Dwayne Johnson’s weights while scratching. I’m basically like a hobo trying to get into a hermetically sealed plastic package with meth in it.
Phase three is when I start using my old toothbrush like it miraculously has a sharp edge that never cut my hand off before this moment, and I bang around on the cardboard like a blind overweight mutt looking for its doggie door. I know this doesn’t work because every time I buy a new toothbrush I somehow I still do it. (Indisputable fact: toothbrushes will never open anything. Try it or take this advice for free, you’re welcome.)
Phase four is when I lean in and tear at the packaging with my teeth. And every time I do it, I confirm my own conspiracy theory – dentists are designing this packaging. Take toothpaste packaging, with the little foil seal. You can’t tear that off with your nails. It has to be with your teeth. And the package your dental floss comes in? Teeth. And the toothbrush they give you on overnight flights. It’s wrapped in plastic that can only be torn with teeth. And the little tube of toothpaste that’s attached to it with plastic. Teeth. My theory is strong. I recently had gum surgery and I left with a bottle of Vicodin in my purse, ready for all pain and a nice housewife high. When I opened the bottle of course it was sealed with the kind of seal I’d need my teeth for. Are the dentists out there hoping just to make more money as you put your enamels through the ringers, or do they just like that the little foil seal makes your teeth ache just enough to remind you they have the real power in the world? I decided to counter tat power and go and buy a pair of damn scissors. Guess what kind of packaging scissors come in? Teeth gritting sound goes here.
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