A scrunchie by any other name is still a scrunchie. Even if it is made by Missoni and on sale this Christmas. I feel the urgent need to point this out. Because scrunchie eradication is as important now as it was when these fabric-covered elasticated assaults on the eyes first began strangling good taste and good ponytails in the late 1980s.
Yes dear friends I was just on NET-A-PORTER browsing the sale under the deluded notion that I could a) buy all my Christmas gifts there and b) afford to buy all my Christmas gifts there because, you know, Father Christmas dropped a bag of money down my chimney last year, I just need to go get it out. And that’s where I saw the scrunchie. On NET-A-PORTER is Missoni’s “elasticated crochet-knit hair tie.” As it says in the descriptor you can “wear this Italian-made piece to elevate a simple ponytail or slipknot” but you know this as well as I do, you’d still be elevating your ponytail with a scrunchie. A $63 one because they’ve just reduced it by 40%. This is essentially their way of increasing smoke by 40% so when you look in the mirror you might not see a scrunchie, you might see an actual hair tie. By the way that’s the first and last time the words “elevate” and “scrunchie” will be seen in the same sentence.
While I’m calling things out for what they are I’d also like to bring the mason jars masquerading as drinking glasses to your attention. Every on-trend, rustic designer bar, restaurant and décor store can serve drinking water out of them, or serve delicately crafted cocktail infusions in them, but a mason jar is still a mason jar. It is an item that was intended for the pickling of fruits and vegetables in the late 19th century. It is made with heavy, thick glass. It is made with threading at the top so a lid could be screwed on. All of these things make the fact that this is a jar incredibly apparent. But still we drink from them like we have suddenly been struck by a deeply debilitating drinking glass shortage here on earth – but don’t worry there’s still plenty of jasmine infused vodka available in this apocalypse. The worst part is because of the thick threading on the jar most of the vodka will just spill down your face, making your pickling less likely, which is highly annoying when that is your specific intention.
Just because a mason jar holds liquid doesn’t mean you should drink from it. Chamber pots that people urinated in at night before there were indoor toilets also hold liquid. In fact they hold liquid and they have a handle but we don’t drink from them do we? Or did I just start the next drinking trend?
Right, I just blogged about scrunchies and mason jars in the same post. I guess while I’m calling things what they are I should point out that a blog is really a glorified virtual soapbox on which anyone can stand and rant. Sometimes with a hair tie. Sometimes holding a proper damn glass. Thanks for listening.
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